Friday, October 1, 2010

Watching Unbreakable with Dave.

Unbreakable. A film by M Night Shyamalan. Shyalaman? Shallallaman, Banana Man, M Night Banana Man, shyalagammenon. Showaddywaddy. Who the fuck were showaddywaddy again? Note to self. Youtube Showaddywaddy.

-Fancy a drink?
-What have you got Dave?
-Well theres water, milk, orange juice, tea..
-Yeah, theres 8 bottles of Paulaner left from the weekend and half a bottle of jaegermeister.
-Oh temptation you filthy bitch.

-Chin chin.
-Chin chin.
-Flame on.
-Flame on.
-I've been doing some thinking.
-Is that right Dave?
-Yeah, I wana row into the sea.
-Row into the sea.
-You wana row into the sea?
-Listen we get a boat, start in Chapelizod, under the bridge and then row straight to the sea, there might be a small issue with shipping lanes but we'll cross that hurdle when we come to it.
-Ok. But why Dave?
-I dunno. For the crack.
-For the crack?
-Ok and what are we supposed to do when we get to the sea.
-I dunno float about for a bit. Have a few cans.
-So you wana get a boat, row from Chapelizod up the Liffey out to sea and once we get there you want to float around for a bit and have a few cans.
-Yes. Beautifully fucking illustrated. Are you in?
-Yeah alright.
-Ok Ill draw up an itinerary, a checklist.
-A checklist? What a boat and a few cans?
-And a death wish.
-pfffft, im a fucking great rower. Vanessa Redgrave aint got shit on me.
-Its Steve Redgrave Dave, Vanessa Redgrave is an actress.

-How much do you reckon Bruce is actually lifting there?
-What do you mean?
-Well look at him, he's bench pressing over 350 pounds, fucking paint cans, not a bother. How much do you think he was really bench pressing?
-Maybe nothing at all, what with insurance and stuff.
-Bollocks Dave, this is John Mclane we're talking about. John Mclane fucks insurance for breakfast. Wipes his ass with renewal forms.
-If thats the case which it is TJ and John Mclane does in fact fuck insurance for breakfast who's to say he couldnt bench press over 350 pounds and fucking paint cans. You've basically just answered your own question.
-you're right Dave. I have.

Keep out of reach of children. /\/\/\/\/\/\emmable gas under pressure. Use with care. Ignite lighter away from face and clothing. Do not expose to heat above 50 C (120 F) or to prolonged sunlight. Never puncture or put into a fire. Do not keep lit continuously for more than 30 seconds. Be sure flame is out after use. Removable label. Made in Holland. 6611018. Cricket. Spar.
-Are you gona light that T.j or are you just gona read the back of the lighter?
-Sorry, here. Flame on.
-Uh oh, looks like Samuel L is gona have him a fall down some steps and when he does he's gona be in a humpty dumpty world of pain.
-Whats that now?
-Samuel L Jackson, looks like he's gona fall. He's trying to find out whether John Mclane was right about the bloke in the stadium, whether the bloke was carrying a gun or not.
-Yeah I got that, you could almost say that John Mclane kinda had a Sixth Sense about the whole thing?
-Very good Dave.
-Thank you.
-And theres the fall. You see steps. Always bad. Every movie. Battleship Potemkin-the pram rolling down the steps which the Untouchables then went and robbed. The start of Sleepers were the hot dog cart slips and falls down steps killing your man. Coppolla used steps twice. In godfather one Barzini is shot as he walks down steps by Al Neri and then in Godfather three sofia coppola is shot as they leave the opera walking down steps in what can be seen as a cruel twist of fate no? Gozer that crazy evil dyke bitch from Ghostbusters is standing at the top of a set of steps. Anjelica Huston in the Witches pushes a pram down a hill. Ok fair enough, thats a hill but you get the general idea.
-What the fuck are you talking about?
-Steps Dave. Im saying steps are bad.
-Bad? They're fucking atrocious. That H cunt. Are they still around yeah?
-No not Steps the band. Steps in movies.
-Steps made a movie?
-Doesnt matter.

-Ah so Samuel L Jackson was the bad guy all along.
-you've seen this before T.j.
-Yeah I know. I think its time to leave.

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