Thursday, November 3, 2011

whiskey days

how facetious
yet so true
when you vomit three day whiskey
then stand to attention
like a casket coming home from war
a war that you
cascade through
snort at the sunday papers
wank over bbc news
because it does'nt affect you
you watch on t.v
bbc i player
then flick to late night gameshows
and wake to jeremy kyle
what a wondrous life we lead
consonant please..

cigarette stumps..

they decay
and the cheap blossom hill
that you bought for 3 quid
shakes your leg
yet you suck
because you dont know what else to do
i want to know what happened
are we that apathetic as a race of people
that we have taken the most Insidious Monetary Fucking
in a generation and we stand by like little beau beep
who lost her sheep and doesnt know where to find them,
what happened to us?
cheap blossom hill.


red wine sucks that layer behind your eyeball,
its a golden layer
that layer beneath antipathy,
when your detriments become condiments,
in a haze of brown sauce cream crackers,
and you realise that life
as it is
is a massive pile of shit
and then you die
the trick
is to eat enough
so you leave a good fucking stain on the toilet bowl.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Double Impact

I would love to have been a fly on the wall in the MGM production offices over 20 years ago as the heads of the studio met to discuss script proposals.

-So what have we got?

-Well we have a script here based on Milton's Paradise Lost. It's set in Heaven, Chaos, Paradise and Hell and features violent battles between army's of angels demons good and evil. Think Dantes Inferno meets the book of Revelations. It explores Satan's fall from heaven and subsequent return to the Garden of Eden. It explores themes such as if God is good and all powerful how can we account for the existence of an evil chaos? Arguments include that chaos is the material equivalent of free will. How can Adam and Eve be really free when God forsees their every act and speaks of their fall as a certainty before it happened and thus if God contrived the fall therefore he is the author of original sin and that in effect God wants humankind to fall so he can show his goodness by restoring us. They want to cast De Niro as God, Pacino as Satan, Tom Cruise as Adam and Kim Basinger as Eve. The script is called "Holy Moly".

-Meh. What else you got?

-Well we have another script here. Let me see..Ok here we go. You're going to like this. It features Jean Claude Van Damme playing identical twin brothers, yes thats right two Van Dammes. Its a martial arts action movie set in Hong Kong. Oh and Jean Claude Van Damme is in it and he plays identical twin brothers.

-Fuckin A. Whats it called?

-Double Impact.

Double Impact. Well what can one say? The brainchild of both Sheldon Lettitch a screenwriter notable at the time for Bloodsport (starring a certain JCVD) and Van Damme himself the movie launched Van Damme in the states and firmly fermented his status as that "crazy belgian fucker who looks a bit like Guile from Street Fighter " (Van Damme would go on to play Guile in the Street Fighter Movie. Obviously) or the "muscles from Brussels" as he is unfortunately more commonly known. Set in a bustling Hong Kong of sharp suited Triads and diced frogs it contains a barrage of standard action movie cliches including the quintessential English bad guy, the ex Vietnam vet mentor, the blonde English love interest (no patch on Patsy Kensit in Lethal Weapon 2 but better tits), the one named muscle bound henchman here called Moon and played by the hero who is Bolo Yeung (of Enter the Dragon and Bloodsport fame) oh and did I mention it has Jean Claude Van Damme playing identical twin brothers? In the words of an MGM executive "fuckin A".

Moon aka Bolo Yeung. Bolo is available for children's birthday parties.

The film succeeds by letting Van Damme play to his strengths' namely minimal acting and a lot of impossibly acrobatic splits while kicking people in the head. Twice. It starts with the twins being separated as babies by the murder of their parents (ahem, english bad guy, ahem). Chad or Van Damme 1 or the good Van Damme is brought up in France (which subtly explains the accent but why not Belgium?) by his parents former bodyguard and ex Vietnam vet Frank here played by Geoffrey Lewis (of Lawnmower Man and Maverick fame).
 Frank aka Geoffrey Lewis-can blow up a car submerged in water using an assault rifle. See approx 25mins in.

Frank and Chad set up a martial arts school in LA where Chad teaches the ancient combat form of karate in a pair of the most ball restricting blue lycra pants you are ever likely to see.

When news arrives to Frank that Alex or Van Damme 2, the other twin or the bad but not that bad Van Damme has been spotted in Hong Kong where the English bad guy who killed their parents and is now in league with the Triads is also at large, off Frank and Van Damme 1 go. Can you see where this is going?

Cue initial conflict. Van Damme 1 is reunited with Van Damme 2 in a Hong Kong bar whilst being serviced by Van Damme 2's woman (the blonde english love interest, who also works for the English bad guy, Lethal Weapon 2 anyone?) who OBVIOUSLY thinks that Van Damme 1 is Van Damme 2. You following?

Cue acceptance. "Well we both look the same, we must be brothers!!"

Cue "lets get the sonofabitch who killed our parents".

Cue Van Damme 1 being mistaken for Van Damme 2 and having 7 shades of shit kicked out of him by Bolo Yeung.

Cue Van Damme 1 and Van Damme 2 going after the English bad guy and his Triad associate by effectively blowing up a drug meet . This scene sees Van Damme 2 displaying a sublime neck break (see also Bolo Yeung in Enter the Dragon, Antonio Banderas in Desperado, Arnie in Total Recall and the Running Man and Jean Reno in Leon). He also appears to have 2 guns with an unlimited amount of bullets (70? 80? in two guns?), obviously, which he shows to great effect in a classic two gun roll across the ground taking out numerous hoods who cannot shoot for shit moment of genius. Check it here.

Cue English love interest being found out as being in league with the Van Dammes by English bad guy and being molested along the way by english bad guy's lesbian security guard/hench woman/bitch who tries to snap Van Damme 2's neck with her thighs.

Cue english love interest being rescued by Van Damme 1 (the good Van Damme or Chad) sending Van Damme 2 into a jealous rage.

Cue Van Damme 2 drinking a bottle of whiskey straight (not advisable unless you suffer from "testing the boundaries of oblivion on a friday night syndrome") and visualising Van Damme 1 getting some good ol boat sex with english love interest. (much better tits than Patsy Kensit).

Cue the moment we have all being waiting for. Van Damme 1 fighting Van Damme 2! G'wah! This scene includes such immortal lines as "im gona fuck up his face", "you're not bad for a pussy" and "he'll always be a faggot" (unfortunately "he'll always be a faggot" cannot be heard in this youtube clip so you'll just have to go and watch the film).

Cue Frank and English love interest being kidnapped by English bad guy and Triad leader and tortured in one of those smoky red lit chambers you always find on ships.

Cue Van Damme reconciliation.

Cue the Van Damme's joining forces in an action packed climax. Will they save English Love Interest and Frank? Who will take on Bolo Yeung in a fight to the death? What is the most gratuitous way we can kill english bad guy and triad leader in a ship yard? Why have I watched Double Impact twice in three days? These were the questions (not the last one) posed by one Sheldon Lettich and Jean Claude Van Damme over 20 years ago. Their answer was "DOUBLE IMPACT". A must see. An executive at MGM agreed.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Watching Unbreakable with Dave.

Unbreakable. A film by M Night Shyamalan. Shyalaman? Shallallaman, Banana Man, M Night Banana Man, shyalagammenon. Showaddywaddy. Who the fuck were showaddywaddy again? Note to self. Youtube Showaddywaddy.

-Fancy a drink?
-What have you got Dave?
-Well theres water, milk, orange juice, tea..
-Yeah, theres 8 bottles of Paulaner left from the weekend and half a bottle of jaegermeister.
-Oh temptation you filthy bitch.

-Chin chin.
-Chin chin.
-Flame on.
-Flame on.
-I've been doing some thinking.
-Is that right Dave?
-Yeah, I wana row into the sea.
-Row into the sea.
-You wana row into the sea?
-Listen we get a boat, start in Chapelizod, under the bridge and then row straight to the sea, there might be a small issue with shipping lanes but we'll cross that hurdle when we come to it.
-Ok. But why Dave?
-I dunno. For the crack.
-For the crack?
-Ok and what are we supposed to do when we get to the sea.
-I dunno float about for a bit. Have a few cans.
-So you wana get a boat, row from Chapelizod up the Liffey out to sea and once we get there you want to float around for a bit and have a few cans.
-Yes. Beautifully fucking illustrated. Are you in?
-Yeah alright.
-Ok Ill draw up an itinerary, a checklist.
-A checklist? What a boat and a few cans?
-And a death wish.
-pfffft, im a fucking great rower. Vanessa Redgrave aint got shit on me.
-Its Steve Redgrave Dave, Vanessa Redgrave is an actress.

-How much do you reckon Bruce is actually lifting there?
-What do you mean?
-Well look at him, he's bench pressing over 350 pounds, fucking paint cans, not a bother. How much do you think he was really bench pressing?
-Maybe nothing at all, what with insurance and stuff.
-Bollocks Dave, this is John Mclane we're talking about. John Mclane fucks insurance for breakfast. Wipes his ass with renewal forms.
-If thats the case which it is TJ and John Mclane does in fact fuck insurance for breakfast who's to say he couldnt bench press over 350 pounds and fucking paint cans. You've basically just answered your own question.
-you're right Dave. I have.

Keep out of reach of children. /\/\/\/\/\/\emmable gas under pressure. Use with care. Ignite lighter away from face and clothing. Do not expose to heat above 50 C (120 F) or to prolonged sunlight. Never puncture or put into a fire. Do not keep lit continuously for more than 30 seconds. Be sure flame is out after use. Removable label. Made in Holland. 6611018. Cricket. Spar.
-Are you gona light that T.j or are you just gona read the back of the lighter?
-Sorry, here. Flame on.
-Uh oh, looks like Samuel L is gona have him a fall down some steps and when he does he's gona be in a humpty dumpty world of pain.
-Whats that now?
-Samuel L Jackson, looks like he's gona fall. He's trying to find out whether John Mclane was right about the bloke in the stadium, whether the bloke was carrying a gun or not.
-Yeah I got that, you could almost say that John Mclane kinda had a Sixth Sense about the whole thing?
-Very good Dave.
-Thank you.
-And theres the fall. You see steps. Always bad. Every movie. Battleship Potemkin-the pram rolling down the steps which the Untouchables then went and robbed. The start of Sleepers were the hot dog cart slips and falls down steps killing your man. Coppolla used steps twice. In godfather one Barzini is shot as he walks down steps by Al Neri and then in Godfather three sofia coppola is shot as they leave the opera walking down steps in what can be seen as a cruel twist of fate no? Gozer that crazy evil dyke bitch from Ghostbusters is standing at the top of a set of steps. Anjelica Huston in the Witches pushes a pram down a hill. Ok fair enough, thats a hill but you get the general idea.
-What the fuck are you talking about?
-Steps Dave. Im saying steps are bad.
-Bad? They're fucking atrocious. That H cunt. Are they still around yeah?
-No not Steps the band. Steps in movies.
-Steps made a movie?
-Doesnt matter.

-Ah so Samuel L Jackson was the bad guy all along.
-you've seen this before T.j.
-Yeah I know. I think its time to leave.

Notes to self..

The woman in the library

There is a woman who works at the customer service desk in the library in the ilac centre. She is small and lumpy has a bowl fringe and wears moon spectacles. She looks like she is from the midlands. One of those midland counties where no one has ever been. Leitrim. Every time this woman speaks she sounds like she is having a mini orgasm. Each sentence begins in a slow monotone leitrim drawl but then ends in a high pitched orgasmic exclamation. It is fucking hilarious. Lately I have found myself standing a few feet from the desk pretending to read a book using all restraint possible, my sphincter muscle contorting, in an effort not to piss myself. The other day while pretending to read a book on Goya I listened to her attempt to explain to a young Polish man the conditions of registering with the library. "ok you will need a form of identification and two utility bills" "utility bills, no thats a bank statement. "ok you need to sign here, no not there here! here, here here here here here here HERE!!
Piss dribbles down my leg as she creams her knickers with splashes of good ol fashioned Leitrim cum.


Like this video. Has a certain David Lynch creepiness to it. The director Carl Burgess used stock footage of grinning actors from the Getty archives.

Tar and brushes.

Dante is a bull.
He looks like a bull, walks like a bull, works like a bull, talks like a bull in a broken Brazillian lisp.
Dante is married and lives with his wife in Kilkenny.
Every morning Dante travels for two hours to work in Dublin in the stadium. He will work between 12 and 14 hour shifts daily. He will then travel the two hours back to Kilkenny.
When there is no work in the stadium Dante simply survives.
Like a bull.
Last weekend on a slash rain Saturday night at 3 am I got a taxi from the stadium home.
A car with no lights pulled out in front of the taxi driver.
"Fucking Polish" he exclaimed.
I ask him how does he know the driver was Polish. The registration was Irish.
"You can just fucking tell" he replies.
He then proceeds to spew a litany of vitriol ending with the oft quoted but never bettered taxi driver mantra.
"taking all our jobs".
He tells me his daughter and her daughter live with his daughters boyfriend. They are both unemployed and are both claiming social welfare.
I tell him that there are a host of jobs available in the stadium. Both casual and full time.
He tells me "nah they wouldn't be interested in that type of thing".
I then tell him about Dante. About how Dante is still working in the stadium as he drives me home and how Dante will stay there until 6 am mopping beer stained floors.
I tell him "you cant tar everybody with the same brush".
And he laughs "yeah I know, we need more fuckin brushes".
And I smirk. Uncomfortably.
And I don't know why.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Beware that zombie in the corner crying blood listening to Yazz-The only way is up.

Key in door. Hallway floor.
He reaches down slowly and picks up a bundle of solicitation.
He walks into a black leather room and sits on a black leather couch.
He is sucking on a Mcdonalds banana milkshake which he places on his sitting room table.
He kicks off a pair of mud stained shoes.
He pulls of black pin striped trousers and pulls down grey Calvin Klein boxer shorts.
His brain tells him to read the bundle of solicitation now soaked in the sweat of his palm.
Domino's pizza. Meal Deal. China City. Meal deal. Chicken Hut. Meal Deal. Gardener for hire.
Babysitter for hire. Sell your gold. Sell your children.
He takes a dying dick in a dying palm and begins to pump.
And pull.
And pump.
And pull.
And a scarlet tear trickles from his left eye down his cheek.
His brain tells him to log on.
He reaches over to his sitting room table and picks up a Dell laptop which is smothering a two day old Daily Star Newspaper.
He reads about what his friends had for breakfast. About what they are going to have for lunch and then about what they are going to have for dinner. They all live such tremendous lives.
Somebody posts that it is raining outside and he looks out the window and it is.
Like Like Like Like Like.
Pump Pump Pump Pump Pump.
Pull Pull Pull Pull Pull.
He has six hundred and sixty six friends on facebook but only socialises with the same four people in the same four bars on the same four day weekends after which he succumbs to to the same three day hangovers.
And the tears of blood flow.
Porn Hub.
Lesbian porn.
Milf seduces daughters best friend.
However he no longer enjoys the actual act of debauchery, his marketed brain now fully anesthestised to licked clits, spandex tits and anal pearls. He finds the dance before the act much more erotic where lascivious smiles turn to 40 year old hands being placed on 18 year old thighs.
His brain tells his eyes to scan the advertisements circling the page.
Grow an eighteen inch cock in two days.
Old men fuck young girls.
A sweat dripped claw fish hooks a raped cheek.
Click Me Click Me Click Me Click Me Click Me.
Rape Me Rape Me Rape Me Rape Me Rape Me.
Pump Pump Pump Pump Pump.
Pull Pull Pull Pull Pull.
And the tears of blood continue to flow.
His brain tells his lungs that they need a cigarette. His lungs say no but his brain tells his lungs to go fuck themselves so he reaches over to his sitting room table and picks up a packet of marlboro gold. He takes one out lights it and inhales. Deeply. But never exhales.
His brain tells him to turn on the television. Which he does. This take him twenty four minutes.
Desperate Housewives.
Go Compare.
Abra fucking Kebabra.
Desperate Housewives.
Neanderthals take paternity tests on the Jeremy Kyle Show.
Buy Me Buy Me Buy Me Buy Me Buy Me
Pump Pump Pump Pump Pump
Pull Pull Pull Pull Pull
Sky News.
Twenty four around the clock coverage of a woman putting a cat into a bin.
A small running caption below reads scientists predict nuclear holocaust imminent.
Pump Pump Pump Pump Pump
Pull Pull Pull Pull Pull
Yazz-The Only Way is Up.
The only way is up
for you and me now
the only way is up
for you and me now
Pump Pump Pump Pump Pump
Pull Pull Pull Pull Pull
His brain tells him he is hungry so he stands up and walks to the kitchen, Yazz on repeat in the background tears of blood forming puddles on the floor. His dying dick now resembles a small zeppelin and it bobs and lolls between volvic sweating thighs as he opens his fridge.
Processed Ham.
Processed Eggs.
Processed Horse.
Processed Eagle
Processed Llama.
Kelkin orange juice.
Kelkin apple juice.
Kelkin cranbberry juice.
Kelkin apple and orange juice.
Kelkin orange and cranberry juice.
An apple
An orange.
Human flesh.
Eat me Eat me Eat me Eat me Eat me.
Pump Pump Pump Pump Pump
Pull Pull Pull Pull Pull
The only way is up now baby
The only way is up now baby
For you and me now
He feels a twinge in his temple so his brain directs him to the medicine cabinet which he opens.
Medicate Medicate Medicate Medicate Medicate
Pump Pump Pump Pump Pump
Pull Pull Pull Pull Pull
The only way is up now the only way is up now the only way is up now
Blood floods off his chin as his bowels release a slime of big macs and late night quiz shows and mono sodium glutamate all over his black and white tiled kitchen floor.
He needs to breath so he opens the kitchen door and walks out into the garden. He takes off his Prada shirt and his silk tie and lies down naked on weed killer grass in a weed killer rain.
And his mind finally coagulates.
And he realises that God is nothing but in effect a dictator.
And a guttural roar rises in his chest and he screams like a dragon being tortured to a cacophony of dying crows.
A black sebum sperm spurts from a dead dick and fountains over waxed thighs and a waxed chest and waxed testicles and his eyes stop bleeding.
But they sting.
And his dead brain tells him that there is Optex in the medicine cabinet.
So he stands up and walks slowly. One foot in front of the other. Arms outstretched in front. Back into the house. Back to the medicine cabinet.
The only way is up baby
for you and me now
The only way is up
for you and me now.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Ode to Jane

I love you.
Throughout the loading, the typing, the downloading
your keyboard stained with cigarette ash and racked lines
you survived
when a faceless girl dropped you off the side of a couch in a cocaine dream
you survived
never cried
we have battled you and I.
disfigurement never phased you
you never flinched when black masking tape, trainspotting, matisse, bukowski and a black and white
adidas hoodie held up your beautiful face
you survived.
we have  battled you and I.
Throughout the blue screen suicide attempts
your bytes filled with the musings of a whiskey soaked bum
mourning the loss of your caps lock button, your W and your T
your children
you have survived
drenched in my thoughts
you will be encased in a mahogany frame on my wall
for all the world to see.
a true soldier
and as I type upon your hallowed keyboard
words cannot evoke Jane what you mean to me
maybe Mariah can say what I cannot seem to do.

Ode to a Glass Thrower

I loathe you
Bile rises like a New Orleans rain
The result of a momentary lapse in your fathers concentration
when his black gorilla body smothered your mother
in a devils bit cider fueled embrace
before he reached a pig fucked climax
his mind wandered to that time in the bedroom when he was seven
and his uncles groping hands
that is what you are
the ejaculated result of  a child abuse victims darkest dreams
in agony
i want your last sight to be the sweating obese body
of a pink wigged wearing demon transvestite
skull fucking Your left eyeball with a razor blade cock
spewing satans five soliloquies
as he fists fucks your throat with the shards of broken pint glasses


Mr Mojo Risin sings strange days through the purple haze of a California dream
sympathise with the devil on a moonlit drive
a day in the life of a jealous guy
break and enter into fake tales of San Francisco
gimme shelter from this beautiful life
saturate on a sunny afternoon
you're no good to me i don't need nobody
did I pass the acid test?
take another little piece of my heart now baby I've got a list of demands
fell in love with a girl staring at a waterloo sunset
striptease oh you pretty things
girl I love you every time you touch me
the man who sold the world was a god moving over the face of waters
what do you see when you listen to music?

The girl with the sidereal eyes

Awake to raven hair cascading over a beauty spot shoulder
a Titian neck rotates in a morning yawn
marine eyes pierce
your heart breathes
you follow the nape of her neck down to a crimson bra
a stretch offers the glimpse of a pulp wine nipple which plays hide and seek
sheathed in velvet
eyes blush at the contours of an Aphrodite navel
she runs a ladybird finger around the recesses of her bellybutton
claws her leg to a lascivious V
and chuckles a candy cane laugh
bites a supple lip with snow white teeth
a silver ankle bracelet dances over wiggling ladybird toes
your heart sucks
and you realise that you are in fact the luckiest bastard alive
to be lying in bed next to the girl with the sidereal eyes.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Dictionary Corner

The Collins English Dictionary will accept and review with corroborating documented evidence the addition of new words to the dictionary and thus to the English language. This got me to thinking...

coof - the sound a pigeon makes you when you kick it.

coofer - a person who kicks pigeons

bootchyfliff - the small lumps of fluff you find in your bellybutton

abontational - haven't worked out exactly what this means yet but it sounds like it should be a word

saffragate - the creation of ones own unique language

mertjat - a term to describe a former parachutist

dilchwid - a cloud that has formed the shape of a person or thing

poopyplip - a person with an irrational fear of molluscs

shadagasta - a dark and cold place

fungo - the ability to turn everyday household items into musical instruments

qwanoc - difficulty in deciding which way to turn

wherethefuckarewe- a roaming nomadic tribe. completely lost.

aintgotafuckingclue - leader of the wherethefuckarewe tribe

chorny - a heightened state of sexual arousal brought on by watching cartoons

I implore you all to come up with your own words and then inundate the Collins English Dictionary team with your creations. Their website is Let us all saffragate.



eyes stained with last nights red wine open
to the machine gun rat a tat tat of birds fucking at a wet window
a scorched tongue runs slowly across cut lips
a caustic throat coughs
head lolls

sunken eyes stare back at you in a piss soaked bathroom
you spit that black blooded bile of tar and tooth decay
you shouldn't smoke when you're sick but you do it fucking anyway
the glob of phlegm stares back
taunting you from a colgate sink
refusing to move

hot water
you use an ochre coloured index finger
blistered with last nights cancer
to push the congealed mob of marlboro lights down an unwilling sinkhole

flame on you children of the demon weed
mucus is in the eye of the beholder.