Monday, October 18, 2010

Double Impact

I would love to have been a fly on the wall in the MGM production offices over 20 years ago as the heads of the studio met to discuss script proposals.

-So what have we got?

-Well we have a script here based on Milton's Paradise Lost. It's set in Heaven, Chaos, Paradise and Hell and features violent battles between army's of angels demons good and evil. Think Dantes Inferno meets the book of Revelations. It explores Satan's fall from heaven and subsequent return to the Garden of Eden. It explores themes such as if God is good and all powerful how can we account for the existence of an evil chaos? Arguments include that chaos is the material equivalent of free will. How can Adam and Eve be really free when God forsees their every act and speaks of their fall as a certainty before it happened and thus if God contrived the fall therefore he is the author of original sin and that in effect God wants humankind to fall so he can show his goodness by restoring us. They want to cast De Niro as God, Pacino as Satan, Tom Cruise as Adam and Kim Basinger as Eve. The script is called "Holy Moly".

-Meh. What else you got?

-Well we have another script here. Let me see..Ok here we go. You're going to like this. It features Jean Claude Van Damme playing identical twin brothers, yes thats right two Van Dammes. Its a martial arts action movie set in Hong Kong. Oh and Jean Claude Van Damme is in it and he plays identical twin brothers.

-Fuckin A. Whats it called?

-Double Impact.

Double Impact. Well what can one say? The brainchild of both Sheldon Lettitch a screenwriter notable at the time for Bloodsport (starring a certain JCVD) and Van Damme himself the movie launched Van Damme in the states and firmly fermented his status as that "crazy belgian fucker who looks a bit like Guile from Street Fighter " (Van Damme would go on to play Guile in the Street Fighter Movie. Obviously) or the "muscles from Brussels" as he is unfortunately more commonly known. Set in a bustling Hong Kong of sharp suited Triads and diced frogs it contains a barrage of standard action movie cliches including the quintessential English bad guy, the ex Vietnam vet mentor, the blonde English love interest (no patch on Patsy Kensit in Lethal Weapon 2 but better tits), the one named muscle bound henchman here called Moon and played by the hero who is Bolo Yeung (of Enter the Dragon and Bloodsport fame) oh and did I mention it has Jean Claude Van Damme playing identical twin brothers? In the words of an MGM executive "fuckin A".

Moon aka Bolo Yeung. Bolo is available for children's birthday parties.

The film succeeds by letting Van Damme play to his strengths' namely minimal acting and a lot of impossibly acrobatic splits while kicking people in the head. Twice. It starts with the twins being separated as babies by the murder of their parents (ahem, english bad guy, ahem). Chad or Van Damme 1 or the good Van Damme is brought up in France (which subtly explains the accent but why not Belgium?) by his parents former bodyguard and ex Vietnam vet Frank here played by Geoffrey Lewis (of Lawnmower Man and Maverick fame).
 Frank aka Geoffrey Lewis-can blow up a car submerged in water using an assault rifle. See approx 25mins in.

Frank and Chad set up a martial arts school in LA where Chad teaches the ancient combat form of karate in a pair of the most ball restricting blue lycra pants you are ever likely to see.

When news arrives to Frank that Alex or Van Damme 2, the other twin or the bad but not that bad Van Damme has been spotted in Hong Kong where the English bad guy who killed their parents and is now in league with the Triads is also at large, off Frank and Van Damme 1 go. Can you see where this is going?

Cue initial conflict. Van Damme 1 is reunited with Van Damme 2 in a Hong Kong bar whilst being serviced by Van Damme 2's woman (the blonde english love interest, who also works for the English bad guy, Lethal Weapon 2 anyone?) who OBVIOUSLY thinks that Van Damme 1 is Van Damme 2. You following?

Cue acceptance. "Well we both look the same, we must be brothers!!"

Cue "lets get the sonofabitch who killed our parents".

Cue Van Damme 1 being mistaken for Van Damme 2 and having 7 shades of shit kicked out of him by Bolo Yeung.

Cue Van Damme 1 and Van Damme 2 going after the English bad guy and his Triad associate by effectively blowing up a drug meet . This scene sees Van Damme 2 displaying a sublime neck break (see also Bolo Yeung in Enter the Dragon, Antonio Banderas in Desperado, Arnie in Total Recall and the Running Man and Jean Reno in Leon). He also appears to have 2 guns with an unlimited amount of bullets (70? 80? in two guns?), obviously, which he shows to great effect in a classic two gun roll across the ground taking out numerous hoods who cannot shoot for shit moment of genius. Check it here.

Cue English love interest being found out as being in league with the Van Dammes by English bad guy and being molested along the way by english bad guy's lesbian security guard/hench woman/bitch who tries to snap Van Damme 2's neck with her thighs.

Cue english love interest being rescued by Van Damme 1 (the good Van Damme or Chad) sending Van Damme 2 into a jealous rage.

Cue Van Damme 2 drinking a bottle of whiskey straight (not advisable unless you suffer from "testing the boundaries of oblivion on a friday night syndrome") and visualising Van Damme 1 getting some good ol boat sex with english love interest. (much better tits than Patsy Kensit).

Cue the moment we have all being waiting for. Van Damme 1 fighting Van Damme 2! G'wah! This scene includes such immortal lines as "im gona fuck up his face", "you're not bad for a pussy" and "he'll always be a faggot" (unfortunately "he'll always be a faggot" cannot be heard in this youtube clip so you'll just have to go and watch the film).

Cue Frank and English love interest being kidnapped by English bad guy and Triad leader and tortured in one of those smoky red lit chambers you always find on ships.

Cue Van Damme reconciliation.

Cue the Van Damme's joining forces in an action packed climax. Will they save English Love Interest and Frank? Who will take on Bolo Yeung in a fight to the death? What is the most gratuitous way we can kill english bad guy and triad leader in a ship yard? Why have I watched Double Impact twice in three days? These were the questions (not the last one) posed by one Sheldon Lettich and Jean Claude Van Damme over 20 years ago. Their answer was "DOUBLE IMPACT". A must see. An executive at MGM agreed.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Watching Unbreakable with Dave.

Unbreakable. A film by M Night Shyamalan. Shyalaman? Shallallaman, Banana Man, M Night Banana Man, shyalagammenon. Showaddywaddy. Who the fuck were showaddywaddy again? Note to self. Youtube Showaddywaddy.

-Fancy a drink?
-What have you got Dave?
-Well theres water, milk, orange juice, tea..
-Yeah, theres 8 bottles of Paulaner left from the weekend and half a bottle of jaegermeister.
-Oh temptation you filthy bitch.

-Chin chin.
-Chin chin.
-Flame on.
-Flame on.
-I've been doing some thinking.
-Is that right Dave?
-Yeah, I wana row into the sea.
-Row into the sea.
-You wana row into the sea?
-Listen we get a boat, start in Chapelizod, under the bridge and then row straight to the sea, there might be a small issue with shipping lanes but we'll cross that hurdle when we come to it.
-Ok. But why Dave?
-I dunno. For the crack.
-For the crack?
-Ok and what are we supposed to do when we get to the sea.
-I dunno float about for a bit. Have a few cans.
-So you wana get a boat, row from Chapelizod up the Liffey out to sea and once we get there you want to float around for a bit and have a few cans.
-Yes. Beautifully fucking illustrated. Are you in?
-Yeah alright.
-Ok Ill draw up an itinerary, a checklist.
-A checklist? What a boat and a few cans?
-And a death wish.
-pfffft, im a fucking great rower. Vanessa Redgrave aint got shit on me.
-Its Steve Redgrave Dave, Vanessa Redgrave is an actress.

-How much do you reckon Bruce is actually lifting there?
-What do you mean?
-Well look at him, he's bench pressing over 350 pounds, fucking paint cans, not a bother. How much do you think he was really bench pressing?
-Maybe nothing at all, what with insurance and stuff.
-Bollocks Dave, this is John Mclane we're talking about. John Mclane fucks insurance for breakfast. Wipes his ass with renewal forms.
-If thats the case which it is TJ and John Mclane does in fact fuck insurance for breakfast who's to say he couldnt bench press over 350 pounds and fucking paint cans. You've basically just answered your own question.
-you're right Dave. I have.

Keep out of reach of children. /\/\/\/\/\/\emmable gas under pressure. Use with care. Ignite lighter away from face and clothing. Do not expose to heat above 50 C (120 F) or to prolonged sunlight. Never puncture or put into a fire. Do not keep lit continuously for more than 30 seconds. Be sure flame is out after use. Removable label. Made in Holland. 6611018. Cricket. Spar.
-Are you gona light that T.j or are you just gona read the back of the lighter?
-Sorry, here. Flame on.
-Uh oh, looks like Samuel L is gona have him a fall down some steps and when he does he's gona be in a humpty dumpty world of pain.
-Whats that now?
-Samuel L Jackson, looks like he's gona fall. He's trying to find out whether John Mclane was right about the bloke in the stadium, whether the bloke was carrying a gun or not.
-Yeah I got that, you could almost say that John Mclane kinda had a Sixth Sense about the whole thing?
-Very good Dave.
-Thank you.
-And theres the fall. You see steps. Always bad. Every movie. Battleship Potemkin-the pram rolling down the steps which the Untouchables then went and robbed. The start of Sleepers were the hot dog cart slips and falls down steps killing your man. Coppolla used steps twice. In godfather one Barzini is shot as he walks down steps by Al Neri and then in Godfather three sofia coppola is shot as they leave the opera walking down steps in what can be seen as a cruel twist of fate no? Gozer that crazy evil dyke bitch from Ghostbusters is standing at the top of a set of steps. Anjelica Huston in the Witches pushes a pram down a hill. Ok fair enough, thats a hill but you get the general idea.
-What the fuck are you talking about?
-Steps Dave. Im saying steps are bad.
-Bad? They're fucking atrocious. That H cunt. Are they still around yeah?
-No not Steps the band. Steps in movies.
-Steps made a movie?
-Doesnt matter.

-Ah so Samuel L Jackson was the bad guy all along.
-you've seen this before T.j.
-Yeah I know. I think its time to leave.

Notes to self..

The woman in the library

There is a woman who works at the customer service desk in the library in the ilac centre. She is small and lumpy has a bowl fringe and wears moon spectacles. She looks like she is from the midlands. One of those midland counties where no one has ever been. Leitrim. Every time this woman speaks she sounds like she is having a mini orgasm. Each sentence begins in a slow monotone leitrim drawl but then ends in a high pitched orgasmic exclamation. It is fucking hilarious. Lately I have found myself standing a few feet from the desk pretending to read a book using all restraint possible, my sphincter muscle contorting, in an effort not to piss myself. The other day while pretending to read a book on Goya I listened to her attempt to explain to a young Polish man the conditions of registering with the library. "ok you will need a form of identification and two utility bills" "utility bills, no thats a bank statement. "ok you need to sign here, no not there here! here, here here here here here here HERE!!
Piss dribbles down my leg as she creams her knickers with splashes of good ol fashioned Leitrim cum.


Like this video. Has a certain David Lynch creepiness to it. The director Carl Burgess used stock footage of grinning actors from the Getty archives.

Tar and brushes.

Dante is a bull.
He looks like a bull, walks like a bull, works like a bull, talks like a bull in a broken Brazillian lisp.
Dante is married and lives with his wife in Kilkenny.
Every morning Dante travels for two hours to work in Dublin in the stadium. He will work between 12 and 14 hour shifts daily. He will then travel the two hours back to Kilkenny.
When there is no work in the stadium Dante simply survives.
Like a bull.
Last weekend on a slash rain Saturday night at 3 am I got a taxi from the stadium home.
A car with no lights pulled out in front of the taxi driver.
"Fucking Polish" he exclaimed.
I ask him how does he know the driver was Polish. The registration was Irish.
"You can just fucking tell" he replies.
He then proceeds to spew a litany of vitriol ending with the oft quoted but never bettered taxi driver mantra.
"taking all our jobs".
He tells me his daughter and her daughter live with his daughters boyfriend. They are both unemployed and are both claiming social welfare.
I tell him that there are a host of jobs available in the stadium. Both casual and full time.
He tells me "nah they wouldn't be interested in that type of thing".
I then tell him about Dante. About how Dante is still working in the stadium as he drives me home and how Dante will stay there until 6 am mopping beer stained floors.
I tell him "you cant tar everybody with the same brush".
And he laughs "yeah I know, we need more fuckin brushes".
And I smirk. Uncomfortably.
And I don't know why.